joy

All I have in You is more than enough.  Simple words.  But do I really accept them as truth?  Is God enough?  I mean deep down in the core of my being do I truly TRULY believe that God is enough for me.  And not even enough.  More than enough.  More than all I could want and all I could need.  If I really truly believed that He was enough, that He is satisfactory, then I would quit trying so hard.  Trying to do it all myself.  Trying to please other people.  If I really believed that He is more than enough for me then He would be the source of my joy.

The Bible says the joy of the Lord is my strength.  Very clearly, if we don’t have joy we don’t have strength.  Where am I getting my joy?  If my joy is circumstantial then it isn’t going to last.  It isn’t until I get my joy from the Lord,  the author and creator that I can experience the wellspring of life.  And yet time and time again I put my joy in the circumstances of life and time and time again I end up disappointed and tired and weary. 

There is a difference between joy and happiness.  We can’t always be happy but we can always choose to be joyful.  It isn’t always easy.  Life has pains and problems.  Sometimes the world seems perfect and right and we’re cruising right along, but then something comes and trips us up.  We lose our focus.  We fall on our faces and scrape our knees.  Our happiness is gone.  But we can still choose to be joyful.  It’s not easy and it takes effort but it is a choice.  And it can only come from the Lord.

All too often we try to get our joy from the world around us.  We think that if we are successful at life (what does that even mean, anyway?  seriously, how do you measure success?  how come we constantly compare ourselves to others and try to measure up to them when their talent isn't the same as our talent and when their purpose isn't the same as our purpose?), that if we have it all together then we will be happy and joyful.

We try and we try and we try.  But that never works.  Why?  Because trying to be perfect is exhausting.  Trying to keep up appearances and make people believe we have it all together is exhausting.  Let's face it;  it is going to happen eventually.  You're going to have a bad hair day or your jeans aren't going to want to button (I'm wearing a ponytail and fat pants today).  You're going to miss a deadline or need to ask for help.  Somebody will get disappointed.  Somebody will get hurt.  By our words, by our actions.  Intentionally or unintentionally.  We are going to mess up.

When it comes down to it, while we may all be a little different, we are really all the same.  Deep down, everybody needs to be needed.  Everybody wants to be wanted.  We want to know we matter and feel like we make a difference.  We want to be appreciated and accepted.  We try so hard to please others and to make them notice us.  We are afraid of disappointing them and we let that fear sap our energy and our joy.  We want to know that people are going to love us even when we fail.  Even when we can’t do it all.  Even when we disappoint them.  It is scary to reveal our true selves.  We're not perfect.  We're sinful (public sin or private sin, it's all sin and it's all black). We're afraid (and by afraid i mean terrified) that if we are honest and open with others and let them see us as we really are (weak, tired, needy, imperfect) than they won't accept us or won't love us.  We've been let down and left behind so many times before that we won't risk the same outcome.  

“It’s a fear that keeps me wide awake

In the middle of the night

When the expectations are too great

And the bar gets raised too high

So I do the best with what I’ve got

And hope that no one knows

That I strain to see how high I can

Try to stand on these toes

Unitl I’m measured

But you know better”

God knows better.  We can't hide from Him.  He knows all of our thoughts, our fears, our failures, our pains, our struggles, our hopes, our dreams.  Even the lost ones and the ones we’ve let go or tried to bury deep down inside and ignore (p.s. they're still there - no matter how much exercise or peanut butter you bury them under, they're still there until you deal with them).

What would happen if we really opened up to one another and were honest with one another?  Yes, we may get hurt (probably more often than not).  But, we may also find a deeper bond, one built on grace and forgiveness.  One that will point us back to Jesus, giving us a renewed sense of joy and a renewed source of strength.

And, how come it is easier for us to accept Christ’s love than our own?  We can say with all honesty “Jesus loves me this I know” and truly mean it.  But we have a lot harder time saying “I love me.”  We know that Christ loves us, that He has forgiven us, and that He accepts us.  We can accept grace from God but not from ourselves.  We don't see ourselves as Christ sees us.  We look at the extra pudge around our waist (and compared to the models on t.v. that we're striving to look like, it's a whole lot of pudge) and the sin in our lives (and compared with the seemingly perfect person in our Bible study it is a whole lot of sin) and we become so disheartened that we can’t accept ourselves.  We haven’t forgiven ourselves or loved ourselves.  We get bogged down by guilt or feelings of unworth (btw, both come from Satan, both are sinful, and both will steal all your joy).  Self-esteem is called SELF- esteem for a reason.  It must come from yourself.  We all have to come to terms with ourselves,  with our flaws and imperfections and be okay with them (fat pants and all).  Give yourself a break, accept yourself for who you are and move on.  Don't be afraid of growing slowly, be afraid of standing still.  

God isn't done with me.  He may demand perfection and I may have failed miserably but that is why He sent Christ to die for me.  My job now is to fight the fight.  To make it my mission to be transformed into the likeness of Christ.  Day by day.  Hour by hour.  Minute by minute. 

God doesn’t make mistakes.  You are not a mistake.  I am not a mistake.  I may be sinful and messed up but not a mistake.  God made me and He loves me and He can (and will) take something broken and ugly and turn it into something beautiful.  There is no do over button.  But, I am redeemed.  And in that fact alone I should find hope and joy and strength.  

THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH

And what if I took this strength and this joy and used it to work for the Lord?  What if I took whatever I truly love to do (we've all got some sort of passion) and combine it with the talents he gave me (we've all got some sort of talent) and used those things to do something for him?  To step outside of my selfish little world where it all revolves around me and give back.  Offer it up to God and see what he does with it.  The problem with this whole theory is that first I have to be honest with myself, which is almost as hard as being honest with others.  I have to look at my true passions.  Ignore the hurts that come from abandoned hopes and dreams and identify what truly makes me happy and brings me a sense of fulfillment.  Then I have to work at it.  If I decided that it is really something I long to do then I have to be willing to put in the effort to make the sacrifices that will be required to get there instead of making excuses and doing nothing.  

What would you do if you had unlimited resources and knew you could not fail?  

Psalm 86: A prayer of David.

¹ Hear me, LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
² Guard my life, for I am faithful to you;
save your servant who trusts in you.
You are my God; ³ have mercy on me, Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
⁴ Bring joy to your servant, Lord,
for I put my trust in you.

⁵ You, Lord, are forgiving and good,
abounding in love to all who call to you.
⁶ Hear my prayer, LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.
⁷ When I am in distress, I call to you,
because you answer me.

⁸ Among the gods there is none like you, Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.
⁹ All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.
¹⁰ For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.

¹¹ Teach me your way, LORD,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
¹² I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
¹³ For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths,
from the realm of the dead.

¹⁴ Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God;
ruthless people are trying to kill me—
they have no regard for you.
¹⁵ But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
¹⁶ Turn to me and have mercy on me;
show your strength in behalf of your servant;
save me, because I serve you
just as my mother did.
¹⁷ Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

i haven't yet been released to run, but when i am, rest assured, this will be me:

side note: tomorrow marks 26 weeks til the boston marathon

and in case anybody's counting, i haven't run since june.

contentment in all situations

"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you're not enough without one, you'll never be enough with one." -- Irv, Cool Runnings

i can't run. and, let's be honest, it SUCKS.

i put months of hard work into preparing for the marathon. and i saw results. and i liked what i saw. starting my mornings with a run got me in the right frame of mind to start the day. burning off the extra calories made it a little easier to manage my weight which has always been a struggle for me. and i like winning. i like lining up at the start and looking beside me and wondering who's faster.

and now one little pain has sidelined me for far longer than i would have liked. thoughts of "how quickly am i going to lose my cardiovascular fitness?" "how slow will i be when i come back?" "how far will i be able to run?" "how much weight am i going to gain if/when i don't workout?" have been a constant plague.

and then it hit me like a ton of bricks -- i'm obsessing over something that i shouldn't be. i have let an earthly hobby dominate my thoughts and consume my actions.

God let me get injured for a reason. Probably to teach me that I am more than a runner. I am a child of the King. I am the Chief of Sinners. I am Redeemed. As long as I let myself be described as earthly things I am not fulfilling my heavenly calling, which is ultimately to bring glory to God. I have to put Him first and all other actions second.

Where is my contentment in all situations? God doesn't care if I can run 26.2 miles or am confined to a wheelchair. He doesn't care whether my weight is 1xx (no, i will NOT publicly post my weight) or whether I'm ten pounds heavier. Yes, my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and I need to use it to honor God, but when running (or thoughts about running) comes first and God comes second that is obviously not God honoring. He is much more concerned with my spiritual health and my spiritual growth than my physicality. I'm afraid I've been feeding my body carrots and my soul cheeseburgers.

A woman from my church once said "a true Christian should never struggle with self esteem." As women especially we tend to let society dictate our self esteem and our feelings of worth. Are we pretty enough or thin enough? It is so easy to get caught in the vanity trap when that is not at all what life should be about.

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

1 Peter 3:4 But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

Philippians 4:4-13

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

¹⁰ I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

so, in this time off i will learn to be content. i will learn to be enough without it. and if i'm back at square one when i can run again so be it. God will still be God and i will not be.

side note: isn't running such a petty thing to get upset over? there are so many bigger problems in the world i should be ashamed to even admit that something as trite as running fast is even a concern.

Psalm 73:21-28

²¹ When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

kale

kale is very popular right now as a superfood - it's touted as one of the most nutritious vegetables in the world.

i like experimenting with new foods so today i decided to give it a try (it caught my eye at BJ's when it was $1.99 for a large bag so if i didn't like it i wouldn't be out big money and it was already pre-chopped so i didn't really have to put in any effort).

Recipe 1: Smoothie -- blueberries, watermelon, kale

Recipe 2: Kale Chips -- tossed with olive oil and salt and baked for 20 minutes.

Conclusion: I definitely liked it and will be buying it again.

Next, i'm going to add it to a salad - but it may be a little too bitter to eat it raw by itself so i think whether or not i like it will depend on how well it blends with the other ingredients.

Life As I Know It

Memorial Day weekend I ran my first marathon in Vermont. It's only been 2.5 weeks but it feels like forever ago. haha.

Allison (thank God for friends who are willing to make a four hour drive with you) and I drove up on Saturday to pick up my number, enjoy the expo, and drive the race course. Though it was such a loopy and confusing course it took us almost as long to drive it as it did to run it and we didn't even end up driving the entire thing. The weather was rainy and disgusting so everything was flooded and then turned hot and humid.


i decided that it wouldn't matter whether i won or lost as long as i looked good so i bought an AMAZING orange shirt and wore zebra pre-wrap in my hair.







My fueling strategy: no pockets so i safety pinned the gu to my shorts (actually, Allison did it for me)

Race Notes:

• before the race i, as most runners do, had to go to the bathroom very badly. however, the bus we took to the race start got stuck in traffic so by the time we arrived the lines for the port-a-potties were super long. i panicked. nobody wants to run when their stomach hurts, nevertheless 26 miles. i pleaded my case to a girl at the front of the line who let me go. whew! thankfully, my stomach cooperated the rest of the day. within the first four miles of the race i saw numerous people stop on the side of the road to go to the bathroom (including a girl -- gross!).


• i don't really remember too much of the race - just kept putting one foot in front of the other over and over. i tried to pick people i thought were about my pace to kind of run with. i let some girl pace me for the first half but then she dropped off so i was on my own.


• the first 22 miles really weren't bad. however, then it heated up and i started getting tired. at mile 24 there was a 15 mph wind in my face with nobody to draft off of and i pretty much hated life. i swore i would never run again. at mile 25 somebody handed me a cup and as i got it to my lips i realized it was beer, not water and i was not happy.


• once i crossed the finish line i didn't feel horrible anymore, i was just tired. i couldn't really comprehend/compare my results and it was hard to get excited.
  
  

Post Race: not the best picture, but the foil blanket makes me an official marathoner.

some stats:

• official time: 3:15:06


• official results: 136th overall (out of 3600), 19th woman, 4th in my age group


• in the last six miles i passed 48 people and 2 passed me
  
  
  
  Post race pic with Allison. She is such a trooper - she had to stand the entire time I ran since there was no place to sit due to the rain. But, she did see me four or five times and took some good pictures.
  
  
  

Since I'm a nerd, I'll post my Garmin stats.

no trip to vermont would be complete without a trip to ben and jerry's!

DELICIOUS!!

The four hour drive home super sucked. So much worse than the drive up (side note: I didn't realize how close to Canada we were -- next time I'm taking my passport).

By the time we got back I was pretty positive my hip was broken it was so stiff. It didn't help that I didn't stretch post race cause the ground was soaking wet (but I did walk about three miles).

Lesson learned: next time stay overnight after the race if you go to one that isn't in your town.

But, once the pain wore off on Monday the runner's high set in.

Boston qualifying time is 3:40. My 3:15 not only qualifies me, it enables me to apply for early registration which guarantees me a spot. So, while I may never become a serious marathoner I will definitely be RUNNING BOSTON!!!!

In other news:

1. I have joined a run club at work. They meet Wednesdya mornings and do either a three mile loop or a five mile loop. They are recreational runners so there is no pressure- it is nice to just relax, jog along and socialize. Since I'm lazy I've neglected to get a BSC membership so I can't shower at work yet so I run to the office and then run home after (it's actually faster ro run than to drive).

2. July is ramping up to be a busy month but it is going to be super fun and I'm going to be seeing my family which I'm very excited about. The 11-14th I'll be in Ft. Wayne, Indianna for my very first go-live support. (side note: I'm going to be supporting a Collector Go-Live and am going to be all on my own -- there are others who are going to be in ft. wayne but they will be at other client sites -- eeeekkkk!!!). Most people aren't real thrilled about this assignment, but I will get to see Jon, Brooke, and Braden. WooHoo! Then, Megan is coming to Boston the 19-25th. We are going to go to Mt. Blue State Park in Maine and go camping for a couple days. They have swimming, hiking, biking, kayaking, etc. I haven't been camping since I moved to New England so I am thrilled. The weather should be much cooler than going in Texas and the landscaping will be gorgeous. I ordered a tent which excites me to no end. When Megan flys out on the 25th I'll fly to Ft. Wayne again. After supporting another go-live that week instead of flying back to Boston I'm going to fly to Dallas (thank you Athena for paying to fly you anywhere you want to go at the end of your trip) and stay July 28-August 2nd. I will be doing the Goatneck bike ride in Cleburne on July 30th with my parents. Yippee! My only concern is that it is June and I'm still wearing sweats and a hoodie here in Massachusetts. I'm slightly afraid of the heat in Texas, but I love to be hot so I should be okay.

3. Now that spring is upon us and summer is coming, I'm hoping to switch my food staple from soup to salad. My salad toppings vary depending on what i have on hand, but typical ingredients include: spinach, fruit (either apple, blueberry, or strawberry), beets, mushroom, pepper, edemame or tuna

4. my friend, amber, is a firm believer that you can locate anything you need to know on youtube. i will be testing her theory. i need to change my bike tire (a job previously done by my daddy) so i've bought the supplies but i don't have a clue what i'm doing. i'm pretty positive there is a video to show me how - i just need to find the one for dummies and not an advanced one. and, i really want to attempt to cook artichokes but am terrified of them. i'm hoping a chef has shared their knowledge with the world and can walk me through it step by step.

with the upcoming travels and such i should be taking more pictures so hopefully my posts won't be so few and far between. and if the weather ever becomes nice (i'm not holding my breath on this one) then i'll try to get out and take some pictures of spring here in new england. i'm loving that my new apartment is along the charles. it makes for much more scenic running than route 9 (and much safer!).

snack of the day

i'm a snacker. i could graze on food all day. add on to that the fact that i have a super sweet tooth and it becomes really easy to consume way too many calories. until popcorn entered my life. it's one of those things that since i've started eating it i've thought "why in the world didn't i think of this before?!?" allison is always popping some for mal and whitney. it is a great, easy (much easier than i thought -- i was seriously terrified of burning it), and inexpensive snack (much cheaper than organic granola bars). and, prepared properly you can keep the calories to a minimum. tonight i made cinnamon and sugar popcorn. i simply air popped some on the stove (read: no oil or butter means far fewer calories), sparyed it with pam and then tossed it with splenda and cinnamon. it is comparable to a snickerdoodle (just without all the fat and with added fiber). i'm pretty sure this may become a staple to reach for at work when i need something to munch on.

also, tonight i mixed red quinoa in with my brown rice. quinoa is a great source of protein (it's a complete protein at that) and balances the complex carbs in the rice well. score!

and since we're on the subject of food, my current favorite wrap to make is: ole extreme wellness tortilla, laughing cow light queso fresco and chipotle wedge, sabra supremely spicy hummus, turkey, and spinach (or coleslaw).

Maine

My first week at Athenahealth was spent in Maine at our Belfast office for onboarding. It was my first time in Maine and although it snowed (in April! I will never get used to New England) it was beautiful. My favorite part was the sign that read "watch for moose on the road".
Here are a few pictures that I took from the balcony of my hotel room (we didn't really get out and about or do touristy stuff so I don't have real great but these will do).

Memorial Day weekend I'll be in Vermont running the marathon and then I will have almost all of the New England states on my Garmin (I think I'll still be missing Connecticut).