Striving for Perfection

“Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing” - Harriet Beryl Braiker

this quote was passed along to me when i was doing weight watchers.  i remember thinking "pah!  only losers would think that!" and "what's wrong with perfection?!?".  as much as i hate to admit it, i tend to be a perfectionist (and some times an elitist).  i often put far more pressure on myself that others do and push and push until i'm worn down and tired of it all (and afraid of disappointing everyone).  there are days (and sometimes weeks) when it seems i can't get anything right.  then someone like Jonathan  Parnell comes along and reminds me that it is okay to not be perfect.  it is okay to fail.  in fact, the gospel came for those of us who are constantly making a mess of life.  

God is not only a God of terrible holiness and wrath; he is also a God rich in mercy. And so he sent his Son into the world, not condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him from God’s own wrath (John 3:17). He came not to be served but to give his life as a ransom for many (Mark 10:45). To lay down his life for the sheep (John 10:15). To bear our sins in his body on the tree (1 Peter 2:24). To provide us with a righteousness that comes, not from our law-keeping, but through faith (Philippians 3:9). And to reconcile us to God (2 Corinthians 5:18; 1 Peter 3:18). 

      -Taken from a May 13th post on Desiring God

Thank God for the cross that saved a sinner such as me. 

Boston Marathon

The marathon is nothing more than 20 miles of hope and 6 miles of reality


i am go thankful for the wonderful support of my family and friends.  i had people encouraging me and praying for me the entire time (proof of this is all over my facebook wall) and i feel so truly blessed.


if i could sum up the boston marathon in one word it would be: HOT!  haha.  i was raised in texas and i generally consider myself immune to heat.  but, this is the first time i've ever run 26.2 miles in an effective temperature of 95 degrees.  standing in the starting corrals there wasn't any shade and the temp was already above 80 before the gun went off and it only got warmer from there.  keep in mind i've been training during the winter so i was definitely not prepared.  

race day morning i woke up before my alarm, had an amazing breakfast of pumpkin pancakes with peanut butter and banana and sarah took me to catch the bus (thanks for waking up extra early, friend!).  on the way to the start the bus driver took the wrong exit - imagine 50 nervous runners knowing you're going the wrong way.  and then we didn't have money to pay the $1.25 toll so we had to sit and wait while the man wrote us a ticket.  hahaha.  but, eventually we made it to hopkington.

my big concern going into the race was my stomach staying calm and settled and my hip getting tight (the two things that have been bothering my lately).  praise the Lord, both were fine.  

the entire course was downhill, uphill, downhill so your quads were screaming by the time heartbreak hill came around - i live near the course so i've run heartbreak a few times before but it's usually five miles into my run and in the early morning when the there was no sun and the temps were a high of 40.  it was much much more heartbreaking on monday!! i do need to point out that i did NOT walk!  and, going down was worse than going up.  
the crowds were amazing.  people lined the entire course.  i had my mp3 on in case i got bored, but i didn't hear the music the entire way because the people were so loud.  they were cheering and handing out popsicles, water, ice, pretzels, red vines- pretty much anything they had on hand to keep us runners hydrated and salted.    i saw friends as i ran through wellesley (thanks pincheras and meltons!) and then again at mile 24 (thanks, raj!).  

not exactly sure when it happened (but i think right around mile 22) i hit my "i'm SO ready to be done!" and "never again!" point that all marathoners feel. but, i survived and i made it to the finish without walking.  and, just like having a baby, the pain is merely a vague memory at this point and my brain is already rationalizing it saying "it wasn't THAT bad. 

official results: 3:25:30 (4:18:27  was the average finishing time)

Net Time:	3:25:30 (slower than i was hoping for but understandable under the conditions)
Overall Place:	2447/21554 (that puts me in the top 11% of finishers - not counting the 4300 that deferred and the 1000 that started but DNF)
In Gender:	259/8966 (you can check my math but i'm fairly certain that is top 3%)
In Division:	223/4580 (ages 0-39)

the first place finishing time from this year was 9:38 slower than last year and those people are ELITE so i didn't do too bad 

Here are some action shots:

not sure why i'm smiling as i'm fairly certain i wasn't having fun.  haha. 

yes, i'm a dork! 

tongue out = working hard?? 

just in case the former pictures didn't accurately represent how miserable i was, here are a couple where you can tell i'm tired

focused face 

crossing the finish - so happy to be DONE!!!

of course this story wouldn't be complete without mention of the post race... 

as i said, it was hot and i was taking in water every mile.  i took in a little gatorade but not much because i didn't want to risk upsetting my stomach- in hindsight a bad decision.  at the finish they provided gatorade refuel (instead of regular gatorade or chocolate milk) which i wasn't a fan of so i drank three bottles of water instead - another bad decision.  

long story short, an hour or so post race (after i had met up with anna and liz, taken pictures, taken a shower, and started walking to the car) i started not feeling well.  i asked anna and liz if we could please go to a medical tent, which we did (side note: boston is incredibly organized and they have volunteers everywhere to answer questions and get you where you're going so we got an escort to the closest tent which happened to be right up the street).  then i started really not feeling well.  long story short, my sodium levels dropped.  ended up in the emergency department with hyponatremia and hypovolemia.  ironically, i ended up at Tufts which is where we were walking to in the first place since that is where anna had parked.  having worked there for two years (and supporting the E.D.) i saw people i knew which was kind of funny but mostly embarrassing.  when my levels didn't rise as fast as the doc had hoped (and i didn't pee for about 10 hours) they ended up keeping me overnight just as a precaution.  i'm sure my parents were moderately freaked out - i'm not a parent but i can imagine being 2000 miles away and not being able to see me or talk to me to know i was really okay.  allison was a wonderful friend and came and stayed with me as well as contacting my family to keep them somewhat updated (i am so blessed to have such caring friends).  a little rest and lots of salt later i felt like a brand new person and was discharged tuesday morning and i passed my follow up neurological exam on wednesday so i'm good to go.  

i do need to give a shout out to road id.  my daddy made me get one a couple of years ago because i run by myself and sign up for the interactive profile where i can store all my information.  since i had taken a shower and changed clothes before getting sick i had no identifying information, not even my race bib with my name.  since i hadn't planned on going to the E.D. i wasn't carrying a wallet so no photo id, no insurance card, etc.  but, they were able to take my road id and look up all my information - photo id, insurance info, emergency contact, blood type, allergies, medications, health history, even my tufts medical center mrn and pcp.  so, while it is something i hoped to never have to use, it came in very very handy.  if you run or race or ride or do anything by yourself i highly recommend getting one.  it cost under $30 and the interactive profile is only $9/year.  

^{Ecclesiastes 4:9-12}

⁹ Two are better than one, 
   because they have a good return for their labor: 
¹⁰ If either of them falls down, 
   one can help the other up. 
But pity anyone who falls 
   and has no one to help them up. 
¹¹ Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. 
   But how can one keep warm alone? 
¹² Though one may be overpowered, 
   two can defend themselves. 
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

kick in the pants

this morning's devotion courtesy of Billy Graham:

The Divine Flame:

"You shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be my witnesses." - Acts 1:8


Simon Peter was so spiritually weak before Pentecost that, in spite of his bragging to the contrary, he swore and denied Christ.  He was cowed by the crowd, shamed by a little maid, and took his place with the enemies of Christ.
But see him after he has been baptized with fire - the fire of the Holy Spirit!  He stands boldly before the same rabble that had crucified Jesus, looks into their faces, and fearlessly proclaims the good news of salvation (see Acts 2:36).  Peter, the weak, was transformed into Peter, the rock.
So it was with the early disciples.  The Holy Spirit changed them from ordinary individuals into firebrands for God.  Their faith and zeal started a conflagration that spread throughout the Roman Empire.
Their secret?  Total submission to Jesus Christ and His will.  What keeps you from being used of God to touch your world for Christ?

Longing for God

My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God- PSALM 84:2

Have you ever been underwater for a period of time that is longer than you expected? You know, as the time ticks away, how desperate you become to reach the surface and breathe the air.  The greater the time you are under water, the more you long for a breath of air until that desire overwhelms you, and you rush to get to the surface as rapidly as possible.  You have no other thoughts but quenching your need for air.

                That is what it means to “long for God,” to feel unfulfilled without Him.  It means we know we desperately need Him, even more than we need air, and we yearn to be filled with His presence.  “My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.”

                God wants us to be satisfied with nothing less than Himself.  And we are never more fulfilled than when we know Him.  Ask God to give you a new hunger for Him, so you may become filled with “the fullness of Christ” (Eph 4:13)

Billy Graham Hope for Each Day,  February 5th

SMILE

it will increase your face value :)

all about me

part of me can't believe i didn't ever blog about christmas - sort of a shame because i had about seven billion written in my head i just couldn't find the time or energy to sit down and actually write them (good news is that the extreme fatigue has disappeared).  so, instead i'm moving on and just giving a quick synopsis of life at the moment:

what i'm doing now: after being being grounded for most of december and january (due to holidays and then client issues), i'm going to start traveling again for almost all of february and march.  it was kind of nice to have a break for a while but i'm ready to hit the road again.  

i'm still loving my job.  i have a supportive manager (seriously, love her - night and day from my former boss), great co-workers (abbreviated side story: had a slight issue with someone senior to me who i work with a lot and was really worried about our relationship but God is amazing and things have done a total 180 and we get along great and work well together now-- the power of prayer and relinquishing a  situation to Him), a wonderful environment in which to work, and i really truly (on most days) enjoy what i'm doing.  i have a sense of autonomy because people trust me, i feel smart/useful because i'm always learning things and then teaching others.  my worst days at athena (usually when i'm tired/run down and making a mountain out of a mole hill) don't even begin to compare to the misery of my former employment.  Another bonus is that i've been able to go back to Texas to see my family on a regular basis (and even got to see Jon, Brooke, Braden a few times in Ohio) which makes the miles of separation more tolerable.  God is good and i am so thankful. 

What I'm eating now:

nothing too much has changed here...my goal with eating right now is to fuel myself so i can have quality runs/workouts (as opposed to losing weight) so i'm more concerned with quality of food.  i did realize that i was eating a whole lot of carbs and not a whole lot of protein so i've been trying to be more conscious of inserting higher protein foods so that i have a good balance.  if you were to go look in my fridge right now you'd find:

1. egg muffins -- super easy (if you're lazy like me and don't want to mess with chopping veggies, for a dozen: 4 eggs, 8 egg whites, 2 boxes frozen spinach, can of rotel, reduced fat mexican cheese) and have high protein but low calorie component to breakfast that you can make in advance and grab n go.  each one has around 50 calories so i take two of them and throw in a tortilla or eat along side oatmeal.  

i've also been eating hard boiled eggs as a snack since they have really good cholesterol

2. quinoa -- most people consider it a grain,but it is technically a seed and a relative to spinach.  not only is it high in protein, it is a complete protein (meaning it includes all nine amino acids). it doesn't really have a taste (which is why meg doesn't like it) so it is very versatile. i either throw it in the rice cooker with brown rice and add spices such as garlic, chili powder, red pepper flakes or in my crock pot with black beans, brown rice, and stewed mexican tomatoes (are you getting the point that these days i'm all about things that are quick, simple, and can be made ahead of time and stored?).  my friend, barbara, has been eating for breakfast with cinnamon, similar to oatmeal.

3. pomodoro sauce -  i'm a creature of habit and so i eat whole wheat pasta with red sauce the night before a long run or a race.  i like homemade sauce much better than jar sauce and since it is super easy i have no excuse not to make it myself: olive oil, garlic, canned italian plum tomatoes, pepper, basil or italian seasoning.  

4. turkey chili -- spicy, delicious, and hearty it is perfect for winter (not that we've had much of a winter).  and since i use a weight watcher recipe it has lots of veggies and isn't loaded with fat or sodium.  

5. wholly guacamole - to say i love avocado is an understatement (until weight watchers taught me portion control, i used to eat an entire one with a spoon in a single setting).  guacamole is a great topper for pretty much anything from sweet potatoes (with salsa and mexican cheese = yum!) to rice and beans to breakfast burritos (refer to eggs above). while the 100 calorie packs may be more expensive, they are totally worth it for me because they provide a single portion, i don't have to worry about my avocados going bad before i can eat them, and they are easy to throw in  my lunch bag.

What I'm running now:

can't remember if i told this story or not so here is a quick recap:  flash back to memorial day... i ran a marathon.  qualified for boston.  then, just a couple weeks later in june i got injured.  spent two months in excruciating pain while the orthopedist went through a series of misdiagnosis.  finally went to an amazing podiatrist who legitimized my pain and i finally found out in august that i had completely ruptured my plantar fascia (words like "bomb exploded in your heel" "never seen anything like this", etc).  spent the next 8 weeks in a boot full time (airport security didn't appreciate it but no surgery and no cast: i am sooo thankful!).  then two weeks or so transitioning back to shoes.  then i was released to do some light jogging for a month (low and slow to test it out as my foot wasn't completely healed yet) before getting released to run again just prior to thanksgiving.  All told, i took five months off.  mid june to mid november.  FIVE MONTHS!! 

My comeback was frightening for a couple reasons.  1. i knew i had lost my cardiovascular fitness but wasn't sure how much i had been set back and wasn't sure i could regain it in time for boston 2. i didn't want to get re-injured by doing too much too soon.

But, as always, God is good.  The road back has been painful at times - literally, i don't think i've ever been so sore after short runs as i was the first few and there were days my legs felt like jello and my lungs were on fire no matter how slow my pace - but I really tried to listen to my body (new concept for me) and not push it too hard.  I started out with short runs and mixed in a lot of cardio cross training (elliptical, stairmaster, spin class) so that I could re-build my fitness and leg strength without killing my foot.  

I'm not quite to where I was pre-injury, but slowly but surely I'm getting there.  My speed is finally picking back up and I'm adding in some longer runs.  

 

This week's workouts: Monday - 4 miles on the treadmill at a constant pace but bumping incline every mile, 30  minutes stairmaster, 30 minutes weights (i would have preferred elliptical but i'm trying to be better about lifting cause i know i need to build my strength); Tuesday - 9 mile tempo; Wednesday - 4 miles outside, weights; Thursday - 10 miles on hilly course; Friday - spin class; Today - 16 miles easy pace.  Tomorrow: REST! 

What I'm reading now:

Allison once jokingly made the comment that on days I'm not a type A personality i'm type double A.  haha.  needless to say, sometimes i struggle with being a little too strict with myself.  Over Christmas I bought the book "Eat the Cookie Buy the Shoes: Giving Yourself Permission to Lighten Up" by Joyce Meyer.  It's an easy read (I read the entire thing on my plane flight back to Boston) and one I highly recommend.  It was really good at talking about it being okay to lighten up a bit (every so often we need to treat ourselves), finding joy in the little things, and not letting others steal our joy.

I also got Beth Moore's "Praying God's Word" devotional journal and love it (thanks nate and ry for the giftcard!!).  It gives a verse, some commentary, a place for you to write your thoughts and then it starts a prayer based on the given scripture with space for you to complete it.  Since it doesn't have structured days I can pick it up and set it down without feeling pressured by time lines and use it as a supplement to my Bible study.  

I just started a Bible study based on "Lies Women Believe" by Nancy Leigh DeMoss with my friend, Amber.  We are doing it through Bible Cafe for Women - an online Bible study forum since we both have work schedules that don't allow us to attend a class on a regular basis.  

I'm only on chapter 2 so I can't give a yay or nay yet but I'll keep you updated (at least I intend to).

I am so thankful that I have great Christian friends like Allison and Amber who provide accountability and support.  We are able to trade Bible verses, talk candidly about life, and pray for one another.  I am truly blessed. 

"As we grow up we realize it is less important to have lots of friends and more important to have real ones."

sometimes you've got it

sometimes you don't... 

complacency

Pardon me while I get out my soapbox and preach to myself for a minute….

When we’re on the mountain top it is easy to turn to God.  We see an answer to prayer, we experience a miracle, we can feel His love around us so we praise Him.  We sing songs, we tell others about it, we’re giddy and bubbly.

When we’re in the pit of despair it is easy to turn to God.  We’ve got nowhere else to go, we’re at the end of ourselves, so we reach out to Him.  Cry out for healing, for answers, for comfort.  We rely on Him to get us through because that is what He does. 

But what about the day to day?  When things aren’t good and things aren’t bad, things are just things and we’re slogging through this daily journey called life.  That’s when we get complacent.  We let busyness choke out our quiet time.  We get so caught up in prioritizing work, family, ancillary activities that God gets overlooked.  We don’t really need Him.  For the moment, our needs are met.  We know He will always be there and that He will provide.  We know He will never leave us or forsake us so He gets put on a back burner for when there’s time.  But then there’s never enough time.  I want my quiet time in the morning before work, but have to get up at 5:00 to get in a workout (or at 3:30 to catch a flight) and I’m not willing to give up my sleep to get up earlier to read my Bible cause I’m tired enough as it is.  So I say I’ll do it when I get home from work and the distractions from the day are gone.  But then I end up working later than I thought and after I’ve completed my nightly tasks I’m tired and unfocused and not in the right mindset to study the Bible so it is put off until tomorrow.  But then tomorrow comes and goes and it is the same story over again.  It saddens me that I can so easily get distracted and forget God. 

Being complacent and indifferent not only doesn’t honor God, it angers Him. 

Revelation 3:14-22          

“And to the angel of the church in Laodicea write: ‘The words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the beginning of God's creation. “‘I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, so that you may be rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself and the shame of your nakedness may not be seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, so that you may see. ...

Apart from the gardener I cannot bear fruit.  My ministry will suffer, my testimony will suffer, I will suffer.  I cannot live life to the fullest.  Whether it is readily apparent to others or not my life is incomplete apart from Him.  And I am not good for anything, but instead am wasted and useless.

John 15:5

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

Matthew 5:13     

“You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet.

In order for a relationship to grow and mature, quality time spent together is a must.  If I want to be like Jesus then I must spend time with Jesus.  I must take the time to study the Bible and get to know him.  Studying the Bible is different from reading the Bible.  Words alone are just words.  We can choose to read them for what they are, merely literature and not allow them to change our lives.  That won’t draw us into a closer communion with God.  We must take the words, think on them, internalize them and let them transform us.  It takes time and effort.  Time in a quiet stillness meditating and listening, not allowing the sounds of the world to encroach and drown out the whispered uttering of the Holy Spirit.    

Relationships cannot exist without communication.  I email my boss, text my friends, call my family.  But, I don’t take time to sit down and have an uninterrupted conversation with the one whose relationship should be the most important top priority of my life.  Prayer should be more than “thank you Lord for this food” (and how often I neglect even the simplicity of mealtime thankfulness for His abundant provision but instead take it all for granted).  It is an open dialogue.  A two way give and take (I tend to take and take).  It should not be relegated to only asking for this or asking for that.  It should include worship and honesty and seeking his ways. 

But, the good news is, when I finally wake up from my slumber God will still be there.  Right where He was and where He will always be. Waiting patiently for me to come back.  Again.  For the 101th time.  To make time for Him, worship Him, love Him.  And when I do I will reap the benefits of a life spent in Him.  A fullness unimaginable.  

So, praise God in the good times, cry out to God in the hard times, but don’t forget about God in your daily life.

Things that I’ve found help with daily devotional time:

1.       Accountability – while we all have to have our own personal relationships with Christ, when it comes to reading the Bible, whether it is a structured  study or a good friend, knowing someone is relying on you can be a good motivator.  Both is even better.   Especially when they allow for honest and open dialogue and discussion.  As iron sharpens iron…

2.       Journaling – makes you really think about what you’re saying and put thoughts behind your words.  I can look back at the times where my journal is full of feelings, prayers, and meditations and also see the times where it is blank or only a regurgitation of the scriptures cause I was in a hurry and didn’t want to take the time to put in the proper effort. 

am i doing my part?

Seek me and you will find me.
Ask and you will receive.

I say I want to get married.  To have a husband and a family.
But am I praying for that situation everyday?  Do I diligently ask God to right now be working in that man's life to mold him and make him into a strong christian leader for our family?  Am I daily reading my Bible, growing my faith, and learning how to become a godly wife and mother?

It's okay to ask God for things.  But, at the same time, we have to do our part.  Action is required.

p.s. in regards to the whole marriage situation I know God's timing is perfect and He's got someone out there for me so either he's not ready or I'm not ready.  More than likely it's the latter.  So, for now, I'm okay with my singleness.


A while back I was going to do a couple of posts,  one on happiness and one on obedience, but never got around to it.  Instead, I'll just post the following four quotes that I was going to use as the basis for my commentary.  If you really want my opinions (cause you know I got them) then let's have some coffee and discuss.

I may not understand what Jesus Christ says, but it is dangerous to say that therefore He was mistaken in what He said.  It is never right to think that my obedience to a word of God will bring dishonor to Jesus.  The only thing that will bring dishonor is not obeying Him.  To put my view of His honour in place of what He is plainly impelling me to do is never right, although it may arise from a real desire to prevent Him being put to open shame.  I know when the proposition comes from God because of its quiet persistence: When I have to weigh the pros and cons, and doubt and debate come in, I am bringing in an element that is not of God, and I come to the conclusion that the suggestions was not a right one.   Many of us are loyal to our notions of Jesus Christ, but how many of us are loyal to Him?  Loyalty to Jesus means I have to step out where I do not see anything (cf. Matt. 14:29); loyalty to my notions means that I clear the ground first by my intelligence.  Faith is not intelligent understanding, faith is deliberate commitment to a Person where I see no way.

Are you debating whether to take a step in faith in Jesus or to wait until you can see how to do the thing yourself?  Obey Him with glad reckless joy.  When He says something and you begin to debate, it is because you have a conception of His honour which is not His honour.  Are you loyal to Jesus or loyal to your notion of Him?  Are you loyal to what He says, or are you trying to compromise with conceptions which never came from Him?  “Whatsoever He saith unto you, do it.” – My Utmost for His Highest, March 28^th

Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.  – Melodie Beattie

joy

All I have in You is more than enough.  Simple words.  But do I really accept them as truth?  Is God enough?  I mean deep down in the core of my being do I truly TRULY believe that God is enough for me.  And not even enough.  More than enough.  More than all I could want and all I could need.  If I really truly believed that He was enough, that He is satisfactory, then I would quit trying so hard.  Trying to do it all myself.  Trying to please other people.  If I really believed that He is more than enough for me then He would be the source of my joy.

The Bible says the joy of the Lord is my strength.  Very clearly, if we don’t have joy we don’t have strength.  Where am I getting my joy?  If my joy is circumstantial then it isn’t going to last.  It isn’t until I get my joy from the Lord,  the author and creator that I can experience the wellspring of life.  And yet time and time again I put my joy in the circumstances of life and time and time again I end up disappointed and tired and weary. 

There is a difference between joy and happiness.  We can’t always be happy but we can always choose to be joyful.  It isn’t always easy.  Life has pains and problems.  Sometimes the world seems perfect and right and we’re cruising right along, but then something comes and trips us up.  We lose our focus.  We fall on our faces and scrape our knees.  Our happiness is gone.  But we can still choose to be joyful.  It’s not easy and it takes effort but it is a choice.  And it can only come from the Lord.

All too often we try to get our joy from the world around us.  We think that if we are successful at life (what does that even mean, anyway?  seriously, how do you measure success?  how come we constantly compare ourselves to others and try to measure up to them when their talent isn't the same as our talent and when their purpose isn't the same as our purpose?), that if we have it all together then we will be happy and joyful.

We try and we try and we try.  But that never works.  Why?  Because trying to be perfect is exhausting.  Trying to keep up appearances and make people believe we have it all together is exhausting.  Let's face it;  it is going to happen eventually.  You're going to have a bad hair day or your jeans aren't going to want to button (I'm wearing a ponytail and fat pants today).  You're going to miss a deadline or need to ask for help.  Somebody will get disappointed.  Somebody will get hurt.  By our words, by our actions.  Intentionally or unintentionally.  We are going to mess up.

When it comes down to it, while we may all be a little different, we are really all the same.  Deep down, everybody needs to be needed.  Everybody wants to be wanted.  We want to know we matter and feel like we make a difference.  We want to be appreciated and accepted.  We try so hard to please others and to make them notice us.  We are afraid of disappointing them and we let that fear sap our energy and our joy.  We want to know that people are going to love us even when we fail.  Even when we can’t do it all.  Even when we disappoint them.  It is scary to reveal our true selves.  We're not perfect.  We're sinful (public sin or private sin, it's all sin and it's all black). We're afraid (and by afraid i mean terrified) that if we are honest and open with others and let them see us as we really are (weak, tired, needy, imperfect) than they won't accept us or won't love us.  We've been let down and left behind so many times before that we won't risk the same outcome.  

“It’s a fear that keeps me wide awake

In the middle of the night

When the expectations are too great

And the bar gets raised too high

So I do the best with what I’ve got

And hope that no one knows

That I strain to see how high I can

Try to stand on these toes

Unitl I’m measured

But you know better”

God knows better.  We can't hide from Him.  He knows all of our thoughts, our fears, our failures, our pains, our struggles, our hopes, our dreams.  Even the lost ones and the ones we’ve let go or tried to bury deep down inside and ignore (p.s. they're still there - no matter how much exercise or peanut butter you bury them under, they're still there until you deal with them).

What would happen if we really opened up to one another and were honest with one another?  Yes, we may get hurt (probably more often than not).  But, we may also find a deeper bond, one built on grace and forgiveness.  One that will point us back to Jesus, giving us a renewed sense of joy and a renewed source of strength.

And, how come it is easier for us to accept Christ’s love than our own?  We can say with all honesty “Jesus loves me this I know” and truly mean it.  But we have a lot harder time saying “I love me.”  We know that Christ loves us, that He has forgiven us, and that He accepts us.  We can accept grace from God but not from ourselves.  We don't see ourselves as Christ sees us.  We look at the extra pudge around our waist (and compared to the models on t.v. that we're striving to look like, it's a whole lot of pudge) and the sin in our lives (and compared with the seemingly perfect person in our Bible study it is a whole lot of sin) and we become so disheartened that we can’t accept ourselves.  We haven’t forgiven ourselves or loved ourselves.  We get bogged down by guilt or feelings of unworth (btw, both come from Satan, both are sinful, and both will steal all your joy).  Self-esteem is called SELF- esteem for a reason.  It must come from yourself.  We all have to come to terms with ourselves,  with our flaws and imperfections and be okay with them (fat pants and all).  Give yourself a break, accept yourself for who you are and move on.  Don't be afraid of growing slowly, be afraid of standing still.  

God isn't done with me.  He may demand perfection and I may have failed miserably but that is why He sent Christ to die for me.  My job now is to fight the fight.  To make it my mission to be transformed into the likeness of Christ.  Day by day.  Hour by hour.  Minute by minute. 

God doesn’t make mistakes.  You are not a mistake.  I am not a mistake.  I may be sinful and messed up but not a mistake.  God made me and He loves me and He can (and will) take something broken and ugly and turn it into something beautiful.  There is no do over button.  But, I am redeemed.  And in that fact alone I should find hope and joy and strength.  

THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH

And what if I took this strength and this joy and used it to work for the Lord?  What if I took whatever I truly love to do (we've all got some sort of passion) and combine it with the talents he gave me (we've all got some sort of talent) and used those things to do something for him?  To step outside of my selfish little world where it all revolves around me and give back.  Offer it up to God and see what he does with it.  The problem with this whole theory is that first I have to be honest with myself, which is almost as hard as being honest with others.  I have to look at my true passions.  Ignore the hurts that come from abandoned hopes and dreams and identify what truly makes me happy and brings me a sense of fulfillment.  Then I have to work at it.  If I decided that it is really something I long to do then I have to be willing to put in the effort to make the sacrifices that will be required to get there instead of making excuses and doing nothing.  

What would you do if you had unlimited resources and knew you could not fail?  

Psalm 86: A prayer of David.

¹ Hear me, LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
² Guard my life, for I am faithful to you;
save your servant who trusts in you.
You are my God; ³ have mercy on me, Lord,
for I call to you all day long.
⁴ Bring joy to your servant, Lord,
for I put my trust in you.

⁵ You, Lord, are forgiving and good,
abounding in love to all who call to you.
⁶ Hear my prayer, LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.
⁷ When I am in distress, I call to you,
because you answer me.

⁸ Among the gods there is none like you, Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.
⁹ All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.
¹⁰ For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.

¹¹ Teach me your way, LORD,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
¹² I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
¹³ For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths,
from the realm of the dead.

¹⁴ Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God;
ruthless people are trying to kill me—
they have no regard for you.
¹⁵ But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.
¹⁶ Turn to me and have mercy on me;
show your strength in behalf of your servant;
save me, because I serve you
just as my mother did.
¹⁷ Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

i haven't yet been released to run, but when i am, rest assured, this will be me:

side note: tomorrow marks 26 weeks til the boston marathon

and in case anybody's counting, i haven't run since june.

contentment in all situations

"A gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you're not enough without one, you'll never be enough with one." -- Irv, Cool Runnings

i can't run. and, let's be honest, it SUCKS.

i put months of hard work into preparing for the marathon. and i saw results. and i liked what i saw. starting my mornings with a run got me in the right frame of mind to start the day. burning off the extra calories made it a little easier to manage my weight which has always been a struggle for me. and i like winning. i like lining up at the start and looking beside me and wondering who's faster.

and now one little pain has sidelined me for far longer than i would have liked. thoughts of "how quickly am i going to lose my cardiovascular fitness?" "how slow will i be when i come back?" "how far will i be able to run?" "how much weight am i going to gain if/when i don't workout?" have been a constant plague.

and then it hit me like a ton of bricks -- i'm obsessing over something that i shouldn't be. i have let an earthly hobby dominate my thoughts and consume my actions.

God let me get injured for a reason. Probably to teach me that I am more than a runner. I am a child of the King. I am the Chief of Sinners. I am Redeemed. As long as I let myself be described as earthly things I am not fulfilling my heavenly calling, which is ultimately to bring glory to God. I have to put Him first and all other actions second.

Where is my contentment in all situations? God doesn't care if I can run 26.2 miles or am confined to a wheelchair. He doesn't care whether my weight is 1xx (no, i will NOT publicly post my weight) or whether I'm ten pounds heavier. Yes, my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and I need to use it to honor God, but when running (or thoughts about running) comes first and God comes second that is obviously not God honoring. He is much more concerned with my spiritual health and my spiritual growth than my physicality. I'm afraid I've been feeding my body carrots and my soul cheeseburgers.

A woman from my church once said "a true Christian should never struggle with self esteem." As women especially we tend to let society dictate our self esteem and our feelings of worth. Are we pretty enough or thin enough? It is so easy to get caught in the vanity trap when that is not at all what life should be about.

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

1 Peter 3:4 But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

Philippians 4:4-13

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

¹⁰ I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

so, in this time off i will learn to be content. i will learn to be enough without it. and if i'm back at square one when i can run again so be it. God will still be God and i will not be.

side note: isn't running such a petty thing to get upset over? there are so many bigger problems in the world i should be ashamed to even admit that something as trite as running fast is even a concern.

Psalm 73:21-28

²¹ When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

kale

kale is very popular right now as a superfood - it's touted as one of the most nutritious vegetables in the world.

i like experimenting with new foods so today i decided to give it a try (it caught my eye at BJ's when it was $1.99 for a large bag so if i didn't like it i wouldn't be out big money and it was already pre-chopped so i didn't really have to put in any effort).

Recipe 1: Smoothie -- blueberries, watermelon, kale

Recipe 2: Kale Chips -- tossed with olive oil and salt and baked for 20 minutes.

Conclusion: I definitely liked it and will be buying it again.

Next, i'm going to add it to a salad - but it may be a little too bitter to eat it raw by itself so i think whether or not i like it will depend on how well it blends with the other ingredients.